Paper Confessional
by Ayswen
Summary: When Suze is left in a coma her mother reads her journal and gets wrapped up in a whirlwind adventure of ghosts, friendships, danger, disfigured cats, and true love.
1. Revelation

Paper Confessional  
By Ayswen  
Summary: When Suze is left in a coma her mother reads her journal and gets wrapped up in a whirlwind adventure of ghosts, friendships, danger, disfigured cats, and true love.  
Genre: Action/Adventure; Romance  
Rating: PG-13  
Disclaimer: Characters contained herein are exclusively owned by Jenny Carroll (aka etc etc). I'm only taking them out for a short spin. No copyright infringement intended!!!  
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"This is breaking news we have here for you this evening on WPIX. New York City Detective Susannah Simon was shot in the line of duty this afternoon while making an arrest in Brooklyn. Detective Simon was rushed to Bellvue Hospital where she is listed in critical condition. Correspondent Marie DeSole spoke with her partner, Jake Slater earlier today." The beat up old Hitachi television was in the upper corner of the room mounted high on the wall. A handsome fairly young man with sandy blonde hair is talking to a rather attractive woman, with a microphone emblazoned with the WB11 emblem.

"How do you feel about what happened to Miss Simon?" 

"It's devastating, of course. I know we can't cover each other all of the time, but you wish you could. Suze is a great detective, and a great person. She's also tough as nails, I have every faith she can pull through."

"How long have you both been working together?" 

"I met Suze when I was pretty young, actually, and she actually got me interested in this line of work. Of course I had to do my duty as a meter maid and such before I got to be her partner- it was about two years ago now." 

"Remarkable. You think she'll make it?" 

"Absolutely. She's survived a lot over the years. I have no doubt she can't handle this." 

"Thanks for talking to us, Detective." 

"Not a problem." 

"That's all from outside New York's Bellvue Hospital- back to the studio."

It was playing inside the chilly sterile waiting room where her mother was sitting waiting for her to be brought out of recovery- and a prognosis. Dave and Andy had come with her on the plane as soon as they'd gotten notification. Jack was sitting with them as well, looking skittish. She saw Gina rush into the room. "Well?"

"They said she was still in critical condition. Kind of touch and go. They said that her spleen was gone, but that she could live without that. The bullet never came out the other side, but they said it'll leave a nasty scar. She should be coming back out of recovery soon."

Gina shook her head, and then turned on Jack, who looked decidedly more pale than he had only a few minutes earlier when she entered. She walked over and sat with him, taking his hand in hers. "Are you okay?" she whispered. 

"Borderline. Some places are more haunted than others. Hospitals are by far the worst. I'm trying to not draw any attention. Jesse is with her, watching over. He'll appear in seconds if she loses the battle. I imagine that Jesse would move on shortly after she died. She's the only thing that is keeping him in this world, as far as any of us can tell."

"Oh. She's not going to though, right?"

"I think she'll pull through. Jesse is scared though. But he might not understand how much medicine has changed. I'm not sure."

Gina nodded, and sat back in her chair. "She can't leave me, she's not allowed."

"I know. She's too young to have lost it now. She's got too much left to do. She might not be able to, you know go if she doesn't make it."

"And what like stay here forever?"

"Probably she's stay at the precinct, I imagine. She and Jesse could sit around and plug up the coffee pot every morning, and help me out, I dunno. She's really not ready to go."

Jesse appeared in the doorway a few minutes later. Jack jumped up walked into the abandoned corridor. 

"Oh my God. She's not gone, right?"

"She's resting. I listened to the doctors."

"Good, good."

"Jack," Jesse was quiet for a moment. "Susannah left a letter, in the apartment, that was supposed to be given to her parents, uhm in case she was killed, or otherwise incapacitated. They don't seem to knowwhen she's going to wake up. Do you think it would be horrible if I placed the letter on the table?"

Jack sighed. "She might be really really pissed off later on, if she wrote what I think is in there is in there, but she's kept this a secret long enough. Do it. Before the family goes to her apartment to sleep. They won't be staying in a hotel, I'm sure."

Jesse nodded. "I'm going to go sit with her longer."

*****

When the Ackerman family arrived at the apartment she hung her coat up on the rack, and then let the three people trailing behind her inside. The apartment was a beautiful loft in Soho. She let the door close, and noticed the back of the door, had two heavy wooden chiseled in lays, of a black on the bottom, and white on the top Chinese dragons. There was a beautiful black and white floral screen between the door, and the living room behind it. The living room was well hit by bay windows that had a view of the rest of the city. The floors were pine wood, with a white throw rug. The sofa was rather oddly shaped, but was soft. The coffee table had white tiles in a distinct pattern, with several plants that had been set into it. On the other side of the room, she noticed a mat laid out, along with several drippy candles. 

"I didn't realize Suzie was so into Chinese décor," she commented, looking around.

Dave shook his head. He was amazed how many things that his mother had either chosen not to notice, or Suze had kept carefully hidden. "It's a feng shui design. It's supposed to keep balance and promote harmony with your environment. She kind of also does it because some ancient superstitions say that it protects your house. And, in case it escaped your notice- she's a Buddhist."

"What?" Andy Ackerman asked, standing on her meditation mat. 

"What?" her mother echoed. "Since when?"

"Since- I dunno. She was eighteen when she bought the meditation mat for her room. Remember, it used to sit on her bay window?"

"Of course, of course. I suppose I never guessed that was what it was for."

Mrs. Ackerman walked into the kitchen and found a small envelope sitting on the counter that was labeled in Suze's haphazard script, _Mom_.

She ripped it open and saw that it was just about a page long.

_Dear Mom, Andy, Jake, and Brad-_

_I wrote this letter to be delivered in case of emergency- if something were to happen to me at work, or on the subway, or wherever, that Jesse was to make sure that this was read no matter what. He was charged with the quest, and so I knew it would happen. He promised. If I know Jesse at all, I might not be in such horrible condition as I have in mind with the intent of this letter, but it's just as well you all finally realize why exactly I am the way that I am._

_If in fact I have left this world, then I wish to tell you so much also._

_I know you probably don't remember me trying to show you something at the top of the stairs when I was very little, Mom, but that was the first time I realized that something was different about me. After Dad died, I found out what it was. I could see and talk to the dead. Not all of them- the ghosts that stayed and lingered behind. He said that I was the mediator, meant to help them finish whatever their unfinished business was that kept them tied to this world. So, I did. All the very strange and unexplainable things that happened when I was around are attributed to this. Cutting classes, going out in the middle of the night, disappearing sometimes for days, cuts, bruises, broken bones, concussions all of it. I fell down the stairs- I was pushed. Ghosts have an amazing kinetic ability in their rage, and I was very often a victim of it. Also, to me they're solid beings and so they can beat the hell out of me, and I can beat the heck out of them. It's a raw deal, but apparently someone had to do it. _

_I know that this sounds incredibly bizarre, but it's honest. Finally, and at last, it's honest. Father Dominic also possesses this ability, and we worked together numerous times to help, or stop lost or disgruntled souls. So does Jack. I would think you'd trust Father D's word more than Jack's but, either way, its true. I hate old buildings because they're very often full of ghosts that think I'm just their gift to moving on, and if they don't want to go, I have to make them, and its all very messy. The school was pretty clean since Father D had done so much- just one when I got there. More of course came to visit and had much to say. Mrs. Ackerman, the first, visited once, to have me pass on a message to Dave, who already had figured out that I could communicate with them. (He's got an amazing sensitivity to them, and I rather thought for a while that he was a psychic medium, but it turns out that really he's just a geek. He's the best.)_

_The house- the house was something else. To my utter joy there was only one. I expect Jesse probably cleared the rest out. _

_Jesse (Hector) de Silva haunted my bedroom. For years. I let him stay. He was a great companion, and kept Max out. Spike loved Jesse, and so they all stayed, and it was fine. He stayed out of my bathroom, and while I was changing, and everything was fine. Of course then he discovered your books, Mom, and started with the questions- so many. He spends his days down at the library now, just reading everything he can—when he's not helping Jack and I with a case. Very often ghosts of victims linger around and can give useful information. It's occasionally very difficult to find a witness that can of course –testify— ah well. _

_When Gina and I were younger we went to a fair and she went into this psychic- Madame Zara. The cards said I was a mediator. Gina was thrilled- how weird, how cool, you know? Madame Zara said I would only have one true love, and that it would be an eternal love. Of course she hadn't mentioned how incredibly unconventional it would be, but from the outside my life looks pretty empty. I have a job, and a cat, and an apartment to die for, but no one to love, right? But I do. I have a love that is rich and aged like fine wine to perfect. And I have an amazing family, and the best friend anyone could ever dream of having._

_I haven't a single regret about my life- I lived it and I looked pretty good doing it – if I do say so myself. Don't mourn me. I'm with Jesse, and we're probably hanging around with Jack, and plugging up the coffee pot at the office, and checking out books in the library._

_I love you._

-Suze.

_PS- Mom, in the bottom left drawer of my desk I keep all my journals. They're in date order. Feel free to read them._

__

She headed for the office. The journals were all black and white composition notebooks, first by year, and then by semester. Then they were dated every few months. The first was labeled _Junior Year._

--  
feed the monster! please leave feedback. tx.


	2. A New Assignment

_8.31.02_

_Junior Year_

_I, Susannah Simon, do solemnly swear to uphold the following list of goals for my junior year in High School, 2002._

_1. I will not destroy anymore of the Mission. All ghost-busting will take place elsewhere, if at all possible. _

_2. 2 fewer broken bones this year. _

_3. Find a living date for the prom. _

_3a. Keep the night spook-free.  
3b. Jesse gets the last dance._

_4. Get CeeCee and Adam together. Finally!_

_5. Not date any boys that:_

_- have psychotic uncles  
-are psychotic themselves.   
-have dead ex girlfriends. (Except Jesse, since we've already taken care of Maria)_

_6. Pass Trig._

_7. Enroll in some kind of real fighting class. (Maybe Tae Kwon Do) Also Yoga._

_8. SATs. 1250 or better. (yeah right)_

_9. Think about passing the road test._

_10. Think a little bit about college and goals pertaining to.  
--Note: adding to list does not count._

_11. Make sure, everyday, Jesse knows he loved._

Beneath her daughter's sloped uneven handwriting was a fancier single penned line.

I always wondered what the prom was- Sweet Susannah. I'll be sure to show up after you get home. I love you too. JdS

--

UGH! I can't even keep them out of my diary! As Jesse would say- Nombre de Dios! I don't mind as much as I should really. Don't think I won't write whatever I want just because you're going to read this Jesse. I don't care. My diary, my thoughts. So there. 

School is- as always boring. Mr. Walden is teaching history again. It's US History this year, and its actually pretty interesting- it'll be boring soon I'm sure. He said we're going to study the Constitution. *SNORE* Really. Very boring. Jesse might have an interesting take on it though, as it was recent for him. He'll have a lot of interesting things to say, I'm sure about the Civil War- as he hung around at the time. Adam is all tanned up, and CeeCee is well.. she's pale, but she's looking pretty good. Debbie and Kelly are already asking about Dopey. It's very annoying. 

Gina sent me a new letter. She said school's going well. All I have to say about not living in New York anymore- no regents. She just re-took the Bio test. She said she did okay. The practical part was cake, but the test was damn hard- or so she says. I think she spent too much time on the phone with Sleepy, myself. I miss Gina like crazy. I want to ask if she'll come for Christmas, but I don't know if her mom will let her. Or mine. I really like my friends here, but I want Gina, too. I can talk to her about my life. About my real life. Not about Jesse, but the rest of the mediator deal. I think I'm just starting to get a little homesick. Maybe what I really need is a trip to NYC- catch something on broadway, walk through Times Square and laugh at the teenies outside MTV.- shop in Jersey. (Note to self- still need to replace cashmere black sweater set. Call Gina- send check.)

I'm gonna go call now. It's not that late.

-suze

Jesse told me today that he has no recollection of the Civil War, and would I please explain what it was. I almost drooled my jaw hung around my waist so long. He sits around asking me questions about the Bay of Pigs, and doesn't know slavery has been banned? He doesn't apparently know much other than what he's read off my notes I've left around. I lent him my history book. I figured he'll be asking me questions for months and months, but he'll make a good study buddy. He asked me on a date last night. Would I agree to a meeting on the roof next Saturday evening if I wasn't already busy. Of course I said yes. Actually, what I believe I said was.. if nothing pops up.' It was a pathetic little bit of flirting, but he seemed to get a kick out of it. This might be more fun than I thought it could be. 

Gina and I talked for hours. Eventually Mom told me I had to get off, but I still got a good LONG chat in with her. She just met this guy she says is yummier than hell, but God help me, she said that Sleepy is a better conversationalist. I would just like to say that I am exceptionally glad that my boyfriend, dead though he may be, has more than half a brain- and doesn't work the night shift delivering pizza. Not that if he were alive he would- translating his life to current times he'd be high upper class escorting around debutantes, and probably on smack, but I'd like to think he was smarter than that, and would stick to the girls. But still treat them like the utter gentleman he is. He doesn't even come around when I'm writing in here. Reads it, yes, but he explained only because he wants to get into my head, and because I write differently than I speak and I'm much more coherent and use less slang. Go figure. At least English class has helped me in life here! Somehow I just don't mind. I suppose its because I do love him. 

I wrote about him the whole entry- even when I tried to write about Gina. I'm co-dependant and dumb in love already. Deity help me. 

Goal Status: WHOO! Enrolled in Yoga class – after school on Wednesday. Can't wait.

-suze

Yoga rocked! I ache all over. I ache in places I didn't even know I had muscles, but it felt good. I was so relaxed when we were finished, I thought I'd just drift off right there on my mat. They said that eventually we'll get into more advanced Yoga, but for now this was just a beginning class. I'm all for beginning, if they think that that was easy. I couldn't believe some of the things I could do. We had to stand on our hands, and put our knees on our elbows and then balance. I could do it! I was shocked. Amazing. Then we had like this weird progressive meditation thing we did to cool off. I did fall asleep during that, but I woke up before it finished. Father Dom said we might have to move the class to the Y, because its rooted in Hindu and Buddhist roots, and to have it in a Catholic Mission would be sacreligious. I'll go the Y! I will. This felt great. I might look into the other class soon too. Trig homework calls, and Spike just wandered in. Might get a visitor. MM!

-suze

That was hilarious. Spike wanders into my room, and after taking care of his business in the bathroom, comes out and sits down on the bay window, and lays out to catch some of the summer sun, and Jesse materializes, ready to scratch the mangy cat's belly. He loves that cat. It's bizarre. Anyway, Jesse's topic of the day was what's Yoga Class? So I explained to him, as best I could, that it was a stretching and meditation regimen that was developed in East Asia by the Hindu culture, but also has comparative aspects of many Buddhist practices. He was more or less completely baffled. As I understand it- the world was much less globalized at the time. So, I pulled out the history book, since its got global maps in the back- and showed him where I meant, and then explained the very basics of Hinduism and Buddhism that I learned in Global 1. He was vaguely interested, and then I told him basically what it was, and why it was helpful. He kind of understood. The de-stress thing, I think was basically what got through, probably, Correct me if I'm wrong, Jesse. I don't know, maybe its just that, anyway. Regardless, things have been eerily quiet in the spook-department, but I'm enjoying the lull. I might get bored soon, but we'll see. 

-suze

I should learn to keep my damn mouth SHUT! Oh yes, I'm enjoying the quiet, sure. And then today I'm at the library looking for a book for Jesse and WHAM!! An ickle ghostie. It's not freaking fair. Actually I suppose it's my job. I'm the mediator. I mediate. 

So, the ghost has been around for quite a while. He was dressed in old ragged clothes that were incredibly dirty, and torn. I didn't understand really what he was at first. I thought he was just an old bum, but Jesse said that he was a miner. Probably from the gold rush. He was rather insistent about everything- which of course didn't endear me to him, but no worse than him standing next to my bed screaming his head off. I hate it more when they do that. Anyway. So- he's lost his treasure. He apparently dug up a lot of gold, and I have to find it.

Ah the memories. So- where'd they dig? 

-suze


	3. An Early Valentine and Research

Notes:   
Thanks for all the positive feedback. Y'all rock.  


In passing I asked Doc where I might find old mines. He gave me this look- like, You know, Suze, I'd tell you if I didn't think we wouldn't be carrying you out later, and just said "I don't know." Yeah, Right. He's the information guru. I don't want to sit on the internet all night down stairs. Besides, it'd be too busy, and I'd get questions. Maybe I won't! PLAN!  
Mom says I can have the house to myself so I can work on a paper. Thank goodness that my grades were so much better back in New York. It was amazing to me, even. I guess the fact that I'm not cutting class all the time to take care of ghosts helps. Father D has been a better help than I thought. His birthday is coming up. I gotta get him something. A copy of GhostBusters, heh. Research night. Whoo.

-suze

Jesse sat over my shoulder while I looked stuff up on the computer. Then he told me I was a silly little girl and that sometimes he did at least have a few answers instead of a thousand and one questions. So I asked him where they all mined and he smiled and says, "Sacramento, and San Francisco." Neither of which is that great an option. Either and both are hours away. 

**AND I CAN'T PASS THE DAMN ROAD TEST!**

I guess I'll have to ask Father D. Maybe he could take me. I still think that California should develop a decent mass transit system. I miss New York. I miss real pizza. And Broadway. And Gina.  
RegardlessI know my parents would never agree if I told them I wanted to go gold digging! They'd tell me to get a book. 

-suze

Father D said he'd take me. But he can't get away for two weeks. I had to tell my parents where I was going, and that I was going with him. I totally understand why, at least this time.—with the rumors that seem to always circulate around about unchaste priests. Regardless, I'll tell mom that we're going to Sacramento to what? Inh. Any ideas Jesse?  
Also Father D gave me the estimate I asked for about the headstone. I can pull it off- especially thanks to the Slater's very generous tip. He was kind of surprised, that I wanted to, but you don't get to give your ghost boyfriend things every once in a few hundred years. It's not like I can take him to Nordstrom's and help him pick out khakis. He said he needed an inscription before he can order it. Hmm.

BELOVED.  
H. Jesse deSilva  
193X- 1950  
He loved his cat.

-suze

Jesse pitched a fit. Said I couldn't. I said I want to do this, and I was going to. It was the proper thing to do. His scar started glowing- as usual. It was the freaking Spanish Inquisition. Heh. That works on two levels. (I amuse myself. Truly, I do.) I got so frustrated I just told himto consider it a very early Valentine's Day present. He didn't know what that was. I suppose Hallmark wasn't very widespread back then. So, I told him- it's a day to celebrate love. He just gave me the patented Han Solo smile. You know, from Return of the Jedi after Leia gets shot and the stormtrooper comes up behind him and she shows him her gun and he smiles and says in that solo vocce voice—I love you.' Just like that. And he says that that would be all right.   
Go figure.  
As for my mission, I haven't had much time to work on it. Our new math teacher, Mrs. Sullivan is a slave driver and she gave us 10 problems to do. 10 very long proofs. Off to work. Tomorrow I'll get back to the library if I have time.

-suze

I wrote down the inscription I wanted for the headstone and gave it to Father Dominic. He got a little ticked off. He wanted an explanation and so I ended up telling him about Madame Zara's prophecy(??) That made him more upset because he thinks psychics are of Satan. I nicely pointed out that mediators aren't of God, nor of Satan, and so why should psychics be? He calmed down a little bit. I was glad, becauseJesse deserves a stone that says something other than a name and a date. Which he pointed out would be more appropriate since most people wouldn't understand. I'll take Jesse down to see it when it arrives.

I never got to the library. Dopey got injured in practice and I had to bring him home, after I took him to the Doctor's office. He sprained his wrist. He was whining like a little baby. Wimp.

-suze

Carrie Ackerman shook her head. Her daughter was either severely mentally disturbed, which she chose to discard, or her daughter really could see ghosts. She looked over at the clock on the wall, and picked up the phone. It was six here. It was still school hours there. She dialed for information. 

"Information. Name?"

"Junipero Serra Mission Academy."

"City please?" Carrie tapped a pencil she found in the cup, against the blotter, making little silvery marks across the black background.

"Carmel, California."

"The number is (###) ###-####. Connecting."

"Hello, Junipero Serra Mission."

"I'm looking for someone who could look up a headstone purchase for me?"

"I can do that."

"Excellent. Thanks. My name is Carrie Ackerman. My daughter, several years ago purchased a headstone. I was wondering if you could look up what she had inscribed in it?"

"Absolutely. Let me look it up for you. What's her name?"

"Susannah Simon. It also maybe under Father Dominic's name. The stone was for Hector or Jesse de Silva."

"Why are you interested?"

"She wrote about it in her journals but it doesn't say what was actually written on it."

"Ah. Here we are. Okay- polished granite. Here we are," she recited the insciption for Carrie before commenting, "Oh, that's just beautiful." Carrie scribbled this quickly on a blue scrap of paper she pulled from the notepad that sat next to the phone. 

"Yes it is. Thank you." She looked down at the paper and stared. Her daughter. 

_Beloved.  
H. Jesse de Silva.  
September 15, 1827 – 1850_

_"I love thee with the breath, smiles, tears of all my life!-  
and if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death."_

--  
feed the monster. leave a review.  
  
NOTE: the quote I used for Jesse's headstone, comes from Elizabeth Barret Browning's Sonnets of the Portugese: 43.  
i know there wasn't much action yet. i'll get there. i promise.


End file.
